Change Who I Used To Be
by Reiannah
Summary: Shuichi asks Yuki to write a song for him... but Yuki doesn't know how to write a love song. When he tries, regret and doubt haunt the novelist as he struggles to fulfill his lover's request. Songfic YxS
1. I Just Want You To Know

Konnichiwa! Here's a mini-series for Gravi in song-fic form. I will upload one chapter every few days. Hope you enjoy and please be sure to review!

Arigato to my regular reviewers… you know who you are… I really appreciate your support and feedback!

**Note to all: **I hate flames. They are non-constructive, childish, and lame. Many of my fellow writers have been flamed lately, and I'd hate to think that someone or many people out there in cyber world are making a habit of being stupid. So please… be mature and stop flaming each other. I especially hate anonymous flames… how low can you go?

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation is owned by Maki Murakami. The lyrics are from the song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank. I don't own shit- so don't sue me.

**I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW-Verse 01:**

_"**I'm not a perfect person…"**_

No matter what, I knew I would never be a perfect person. I told Shuichi this many times- using different words and in different situations. And yet he still clung to me as if I was someone special. Like I was important.

But I'm not. I'm just a cold and bitter man with a clichéd tragic past that haunts him to this very day. It was the same old story of a bad past ending with a sad future.

How pathetic.

**_"There's many things I wish I didn't do…"_**

I tried to push him far away… by kicking him out of my home, breaking up with him, pretending to love my fiancée, and even flying to the other side of the world.

Yet I only had to pause for a moment to realize that I couldn't escape him. No amount of running and hiding would keep him from me.

_**"But I continue learning…"**_

And that brought me the happiest moment in my life. It was then that I realized… I had finally fallen in love with someone who would never give up on me.

Yes. In love. That's what I was.

_"**I never meant to do those things to you…"**_

But it was a guilty love. One that I would only reveal and express in sporadic bursts. I was angry with him one minute, kissing him the next, ordering him to sleep on the couch within the third.

A guilty love. My behavior reflected my feelings… I felt guilty. Guilty for letting him love me… guilty for loving him back.

And as I lay here in my bed, watching his sleeping form curled next to me, I understand now…

I understand just how imperfect a person I really am.

And just how unworthy I am to receive his love.

_"**And so I have to say before I go…"**_

Today he asked me to write a song for him… one he could sing for his next album. At first I scoffed at him, saying something along the lines of 'Do you expect me to write you a love song?' and all he did was smile at me. He just kissed me and walked away.

I was surprised… no whining, no pouting, no hysterical tears. It made me wonder for just a moment- what was he expecting out of a song from me?

I'm not one to be romantic… love songs aren't my thing. And the only good love songs are the ones written by those who understand it. I don't understand love. I barely acknowledge that it even exists.

So if he expected a love song out of me… then… for him…

I would try.

And I did. I tried. But the words that flowed out from me were bittersweet- reminiscing of pain and hurt. It wasn't a love song… it was…

A goodbye.

_"**That I just want you to know…"**_

I never even finished the lyrics. But what I had accomplished I hid deep inside my desk where he wouldn't be able to find them.

I didn't want him to see them… yet. Not until they were complete.

Because even I didn't know how they ended.

I close my eyes to try and catch a glimpse of sleep, only to see the words I had written float before my eyes…

**_"I'm not a perfect person_**  
_**There's many things I wish I didn't do  
**__**But I continue learning  
**__**I never meant to do those things to you  
**__**And so I have to say before I go  
**__**That I just want you to know…"**_

**  
TBC…**

Teehee… I love writing fics like this… easy idea, easy writing, easy to upload! I really do hope that everyone enjoyed reading this! ONEGAI REVIEW!


	2. That's Why I Need You To Hear

As promised, here is the second chapter. Wow… an update so soon? Isn't it a miracle? Arigato to all those who made the effort to click on the review button… I love you! As for everyone else…

Well, to continue my bitching and moaning, here is another public notice…

**Note to all: **I hate plagiarism. While it may be considered a compliment, to me, it is the most insulting compliment. Everyone works hard to create his or her own ideas and literature. Stealing is not nice. It is bad. Very bad. And I don't appreciate others stealing my work and republishing it as their own. I find it disgusting. I have found this form of insult thrown at me from various authors on various websites. I do not appreciate it. I do not find it complimentary or flattering. If you are guilty of this, do me a favor and stop. Or else I'll hunt you down myself and there'll be hell to pay.

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is owned by Maki Murakami. The lyrics are from the song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank. I don't own shit- so don't sue me.****  
**

**THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU TO HEAR- Verse 02:**

_**"I'm sorry that I hurt you…"**_

I awoke the next day to the sensation of soft lips brushing across my ear and an even softer whisper in my ear.

He was speaking as though he knew I could hear him, but was sure I wouldn't remember a word he said once I awakened on my own.

Which is very true. When I finally arose from my bed to the early afternoon light, none of what he had said could be recalled. But I knew the gist of it… after all; it was the same every morning.

"Yuki, are you awake? Okay, well I'm going to work now. I'll be home later, so wait to eat with me. I love you."

The same words every single morning. And I only knew them because he had whispered them to me on the mornings where I was completely awake, yet too lazy to respond.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew that.

Sometimes I wondered if he knew he deserved better than what I offered him… the few remnants of my affection that I threw at his feet like leftovers.

And sometimes I wish I knew why I treated him the way I did.

_**"It's something I must live with everyday…"**_

After a refreshing shower, a steaming cup of coffee, and half a pack of cigarettes, I am ready to start my day. Making my way into my office, I power up my laptop and open the file containing my latest piece of literature.

My mind refuses to produce any type of inspiration for my new novel, so it begins to wander back to the drawer that holds the lyrics for Shuichi.

Unfinished words.

Slowly, I lean down to tug the drawer open. There, the spiral notebook lies atop a pile of random papers. I reach for it and pull the notebook out from its hiding place among my mess. I stare at the glossy cover that binds it together before turning the cover page over and viewing my progress written out in kanji.

I wince inwardly at the truth the lyrics held. They were my truth… my sins that I had finally confessed to a spiral bound notebook.

Sins that I should've confessed to the one whom I had sinned against…

Shuichi.

_**"And all the pain I put you through…"**_

Images of him flash before my eyes…

Him crying outside my door- begging for me to let him back in…

Him pouting after I criticized him music and talent…

Him frowning when I denied him simple things- like cuddling time and welcome home kisses…

Him trembling as he entered my hospital room…

Him biting back tears when I walked away from him- telling him that our relationship was over…

All memories of him. Memories that brought me a secret heartache. They were times when I had hurt him, times I regretted, yet never apologized for.

Why is it that images ingrained in my mind the deepest were the ones of him being hurt? Why is it that I never remember his smile first?

Ah, again- my guilty conscience.

_**"I wish that I could take it all away…"**_

I guess I knew all along that I had hurt him. But throughout the past four years we've been together, I began to realize that I didn't _want_ to hurt him. And now more than ever, I regret making him cry.

Using my past as a barricade had become a habit for so long, I'd forgotten what it was like to let anyone inside my life. Even Mika, Tohma, and Tatsuha… they couldn't reach me either. Nobody could. Nothing could touch me anymore.

Or so I thought.

Until I met him.

Unlike my romance novels, it wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even lust. It was some strange attraction… not in a sexual way. In a way that he caught my attention and didn't let go, even after I walked away from him.

Heh… maybe I was doomed from the start.

No- I shouldn't say that. If anything, I'm the lucky one. And him… I don't know why he stays by my side.

I wish I could take it back… all of it. All the times I made him cry.

_**"And be the one who catches all your tears…"**_

I hate myself for how I've treated him. I find my past behavior towards him… atrocious. He never deserved my abuse. He deserved much better…

Much better than me.

And he still does- deserve better than me, that is.

Every time I reminisce over our past, I yearn for the impossible… the chance undo all my mistakes.

Instead of making him frown, making him smile. Instead of making him cry, making him laugh. Acceptance instead of rejection. Warmth instead of coldness. Truth instead of lies.

The things I should have done… but never did.

_"**That's why I need you to hear…"**_

The more I think about the pain I brought him, the more I hate myself. And the more I realize that he'd be better off without me.

But what would I do without him?

The thought brings fear to the deepest part of my heart. I shudder at the threat. But then…

Is that what must happen for me to make retribution to him? For me to leave his life? is that the only way for me to stop hurting him?

My mind is racing as I contemplate the possibility.

Would I be willing to give him up so that he could live a better life without me?

I bite my lip as I stare unseeingly at the notebook in my hands.

After a few minutes of nothing but silent panic, I close my eyes and reopen then to reread my work.

I take up my pen from my desk and quickly scribble the second verse of the song in kanji.

After I finish, I toss the notebook on top of my desk and rise from my chair.

I turn and leave my office and stride into the hall to slip on my shoes.

Lighting a cigarette as I close the front door behind me, I inhale the smoke deeply as I exit the building.

I know what I have to do.

The only thing going through my head are the final words I had written for Shuichi's song…

_**"I'm sorry that I hurt you**_

_**It's something I must live with everyday**_

_**And all the pain I put you through**_

_**I wish that I could take it all away**_

_**And be the one who catches all your tears**_

_**That's why I need you to hear…"**_

**TBC…**

Ah… so fun! I love torturing Yuki… it's so easy to do! Well let me know if you like how this fic is going and any ideas you may have. I love feedback! I love reviews! So onegai review na no da!


	3. Start Over New

Here is chapter three on schedule… isn't that amazing? LOL! Yup, the only reason this is possible is because I wrote the entire fic before uploading at all… Teehee! Okay, so maybe that is cheating a little bit… but at least the new chappie is up, ne?

This time I won't rant… so be happy. I'm in a fairly good mood.

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is owned by Maki Murakami. The lyrics are from the song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank. I don't own shit- so don't sue me.  
**

**START OVER NEW- Verse 03:**

It was 8:32pm when Shuichi walk in through the front door. K-san had thrown a fit when Bad Luck's new single hadn't been perfected at 5:00pm, so he forcibly detained them to finish the recording. It had been almost eight when they were finally done and the song perfected.

As he entered the townhouse, the pink-haired singer called out his usual greeting.

"Tadaima! Yuki, I'm home!"

Kicking off his sneakers, the boy frowned into the sparsely decorated home. There were no lights on and no reply from his lover. Apparently, the blonde was not home.

Creeping softly through the living room, he looked around for his lover. After a peek into the bedroom and kitchen, Shuichi concluded that Yuki had left earlier during the daytime, thus the absence of both lights and the novelist.

Checking the answering machine and the fridge for any messages announcing the whereabouts of his lover, the vocalist came up empty-handed.

He took note that Yuki's office door was not completely closed, and after a moment's hesitation, dared to enter the author's sanctuary.

The laptop had long since powered down. Moving the mouse slightly to wake the machine, the black background flickered away and changed to Yuki's current novel. A few clicks of the mouse and a single tap of the keyboard revealed to Shuichi the last time his lover had updated his novel… yesterday.

The frown deepened across the pink-haired boy's face. It was unusual for Yuki not to update every single day… that added to the author's mysterious absence brought a pang of worry to Shuichi's heart.

Violet eyes scanning the office for clues, Shuichi's desperate gaze fell on the presence of a pale blue spiral bound notebook atop the desk. Raising an eyebrow, the vocalist reached down and picked it up.

It was unusual for Yuki to write in notebooks… the blonde preferred typing to handwriting. So the notebook naturally piqued the boy's curiosity.

Wavering on the decision of whether or not to read its contents, Shuichi finally convinced himself that Yuki wouldn't mind… or better yet- ever have to know.

Biting his lip in anticipation, he carefully folded the cover over to reveal the first page.

And he read.

He read the words that his lover had written… and it was obvious by the format that it was a song.

Yuki didn't write songs.

Shuichi had asked him to write a song.

Yuki wrote a song.

But why did it have to be a song… like _this_?

**_"I'm not a perfect person_**

_**There's many things I wish I didn't do**_

_**But I continue learning**_

_**I never meant to do those things to you**_

_**And so I have to say before I go**_

_**That I just want you to know…"**_

Shuichi struggled to keep the paper from moving. Why was it moving? Oh… it wasn't the paper itself- it was the hands that were holding it.

Without even noticing, the singer had begun to tremble uncontrollably. Gripping the notebook with firmly clenched hands, he made a huge effort to calm himself.

But he couldn't. Somewhere deep inside his heart, he knew that these words meant something. Something painfully important. Something he needed to understand immediately.

Because Yuki didn't write like this. The blonde didn't delve into the human heart to this extent… never had any of his novel held this much emotion.

Shuichi blinked away the burning sensation that threatened to flood his eyes. Biting down onto his bottom lip, he tasted a faintly metallic flavor gather around his teeth.

**_"I'm sorry that I hurt you_**

_**It's something I must live with everyday**_

_**And all the pain I put you through**_

_**I wish that I could take it all away**_

_**And be the one who catches all your tears**_

_**That's why I need you to hear…**_

Shuichi hiccupped softly as he read the song. It was so sad… it hurt… so badly.

Two teardrops splattered down onto the lyrics and blurred the words as the wetness soaked into the paper. Hastily, the boy attempted to blot the moisture, only to smear the meticulously neat kanji.

More tears fell onto the paper and Shuichi simply gave up trying to wipe away the droplets.

Rereading the words over and over again, the singer began to sob uncontrollably as realization washed over him.

This wasn't just any song… this was a goodbye song.

Yuki's goodbye song.

And Yuki was gone.

Yuki had left.

Shuichi hugged the notebook to his chest as he fell to his knees.

It couldn't be true… it wasn't possible.

And yet the goodbye was written out for him in the meticulously neat kanji.

Wrapping his arms around himself, tightening his embrace around the soaking notebook, Shuichi screamed his plea into the night.

"Yuki… ikanaide!"

**TBC… or… Owari…?  
**

I don't know… is this the end or not? Hmm… who knows? Kumagorou does! Please review for me… and tell me if this is a good ending or not. Depending on your reviews, I might add an epilogue for this fic… hint hint…


	4. And The Reason Is You

Okay, consider this the epilogue… I guess readers could technically enjoy this fic with the previous chapter being the end, but for others it may not be enough. For those 'others' out there, here is your ending… enjoy!

**Disclaimer # 1: Gravitation is owned by Maki Murakami. The lyrics are from the song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank. I don't own shit- so don't sue me.  
**

**Disclaimer #2: No bunnies were harmed in the making of this epilogue. However there _will_ be mass slaughter of bunnies in the future if reviews are low. So please, for the sake of the bunnies… REVIEW! (Kumagorou begs you to save his family)  
**

**AND THE REASON IS YOU- Verse 04:  
**

Shuichi had stopped crying hours ago, only to sit silently on the carpeted floor inside the unlit office. The hysteria and grief had passed, leaving only disbelief and shock. After the first realization, nothing else seemed to register inside the singer's mind.

Yuki was gone.

The pink-haired boy still clutched the notebook tightly, as if afraid to release it.

After all, it held Yuki's final words… and that was Shuichi's only goodbye.

The singer hadn't even attempted to contact anyone else concerning Yuki's disappearance. Even if the writer's family or acquaintances knew of his whereabouts, it would be unlikely that they would ever tell Shuichi.

There was nothing left for him. No hope, no consolation, nothing.

The tears had dried up leaving behind violet eyes glazed over in mourning.

Time passed in slow motion. It was irrelevant. Nothing seemed to affect the boy anymore.

Finally dropping the notebook he held with an iron grip, Shuichi bowed his head in resignation.

He trembled as phrases of Yuki's lyrics drifted through his mind.

Why did this have to be? Why did he write this song?

"Why Yuki? Tell me why."

The words came out barely above a whisper, and Shuichi didn't expect an answer.

But he got one.

"Why what?"

Shuichi froze, eyes widening as they continued to stare at the ground. He knew this voice. It was heartbreakingly familiar.

But still he didn't dare to look. He was so afraid… afraid that he had just imagined it.

"Well? What did you want to know 'why' about?"

There it was again. The voice. This time it was closer.

And then a hand reached down to stroke the pink hair away from Shuichi's face.

This time, the singer dared to look. And he was speechless.

There was the novelist himself, standing next to him with a quizzical look across his face.

Yuki crouched beside the forlorn figure, eyes filled with concern.

"What is it Shuichi? What's wrong?"

The vocalist parted his lips, trying to speak, only to find that no words came out.

Yuki leaned closer, brushing his hand across his lover's cheek. The soft touch brought the singer to life and he was able to speak a single word.

"Yuki."

"I'm here. What's wrong?"

As soon as the question was asked, the writer was able to answer himself. Because as he leaned in even closer to his koi, he felt something dig into his chest. Looking down, Yuki stared in astonishment at the pale blue spiral bound notebook that Shuichi had been hold onto with a death grip. The blonde man scowled down at the object. Now he knew why Shuichi looked so heartbroken.

Unable to control himself any longer, Shuichi began to sob uncontrollably. And for once, Yuki didn't push the boy away. No, he just pulled his lover closer, and held him until the tears died down and the boy was able to speak again.

It was several minutes before Shuichi could do that, but when he did, the words flowed in a continuous stream. Not even stopping to catch his breath, the singer explained why he had been crying; how he thought the blonde had left him, how hurt he had been. And through it all, Yuki only listened intently… never scoffing or laughing at the boy's fears.

When the words ended, there was only comforting silence… not the heavy silence that had accompanied Shuichi previously, but the new one that seemed to wrap itself around the two lovers and calm them.

And when the silence was broken, Yuki's voice wasn't ridiculing or angry… it was sad and contrite.

"I didn't mean for you to read them yet… I never… I never thought you would find the lyrics. But I should have realized that if you did, you'd misinterpret them."

Shuichi buried his face deeper into his lover's chest. After getting comfortable, he asked his question again.

"Why did you write a song like that Yuki? Why did it have to be so… sad?"

Yuki let the question hang in the darkened room for another minute before answering.

"Because I wanted to say… that I was sorry."

Shuichi sighed softly. Lifting his head, his violet eyes shone with warmth and love.

"Don't be sorry Yuki. I don't care what you do as long as you don't leave me."

Yuki shook his head at his lover. The singer frowned, thinking the blonde was saying 'no' to staying.

"Yuki? No…?"

The writer pulled the boy closer before replying.

"I meant 'no' as in 'no- I won't do whatever I want.' You deserve better than that. And you should expect more from me."

Shuichi raised an eyebrow at the declaration.

"What do you mean?"

It was Yuki's turn to sigh.

"What I mean is- don't let me hurt you."

Shuichi wore an expression that was a cross between a frown and a pout.

"I don't care. As long as you stay with me and stop writing songs like _that_!"

The novelist didn't even bother turning to see where his lover was pointing… he already knew. Chuckling softly, he tickled the pink-haired boy by tracing a single finger down his lover's spine. Shuichi squirmed uncomfortably but made no move to pull away.

"You know… that song wasn't meant to be read yet. It wasn't finished."

And with those final words, Yuki swept the boy off the carpet and carried him into their bedroom, bridal style.

Hours later after numerous expressions of love and passion were exchanged; the two lovers lay across their bed still breathless. Shuichi let his eyes linger on his lover's breathtakingly beautiful body… still gleaming of sweat.

Yuki had just lit a cigarette and was now laying down, using one hand to smoke, the other tracing invisible lines across Shuichi's back.

"Yuki?"

"Eh?"

"You said the song wasn't finished."

"Uh huh."

"Do you know how it ends?"

The writer smirked up at the ceiling. After inhaling from the cigarette one last time, he stubbed it out in the ashtray atop the nightstand.

He rolled over towards the pink-haired boy and smiled.

"Yeah."

Yuki continued to smile at his lover in a very Cheshire cat-like way. After a minute or so, Shuichi could no longer stand not knowing demanded an answer.

"So? How does it end?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes."

"How badly do you want to know?"

This last question was asked teasingly, Shuichi gave a pout before he began to whine.

"Yuuuukiiiiii! Tell meeee!"

The blonde chuckled at his lover's eagerness. Pushing himself to an upright position, the novelist reached down to the floor beside the bed.

The pink-haired boy crinkled his eyebrow, clueless as to what his koi might be up to. Trying to take a peek, the vocalist sat up as well, peering over his lover's shoulder.

"Yuki…?"

"Wait."

Shuichi caught a glimpse of his lover's previously discarded pant. After a few seconds of shuffling, Yuki turned to grin at the singer. One hand behind his back, the blonde's eyes glowed in the darkness.

"Close your eyes… and hold your hands out."

Shuichi obeyed immediately, knowing a surprise awaited him. Bouncing up and down on his knees, he could hardly contain his excitement.

A lightweight plastic object was placed atop the outstretched hand. Shuichi ran his fingers across its smooth surface and an enormous smile devoured his entire face. He had an idea of what it might be… but was it really possible?

"Can I open my eyes now?"

Yuki smiled indulgently at his young lover.

"Yeah. Go ahead."

The violet eyes popped open and Shuichi squealed in a very fan-boy-like way.

"WAH! YUKI!"

"Uh huh."

"I love it! Thank you!"

"Uh huh."

Then a moment of silence in which Shuichi admired the cover to the beloved object… an enlarged version of their infamous club print photo inside a cd case. The silence deepened as the boy's expression changed from one of elation to one of confusion.

"Um, Yuki?"

"Uh huh."

"What… kind of… cd… is it?"

Shuichi ducked his head sheepishly as Yuki snorted at his lover's naivety.

"Baka… you said you wanted to know how the song ended. I pulled some favors and had it turned into a cd for you."

"Favors?"

Yuki smirked smugly, knowing that his lover was dying to know the details.

"Your beloved Nittle Grasper got together with the rest of your band to create this cd."

Another ear piercing squeal after which Yuki was promptly and forcefully glomped.

In which Yuki found himself with a mouthful of pink strawberry shampoo-flavored hair.

After an interlude where as the blonde gagged on the singer's hair, Shuichi ignored his lover's struggle- completely enraptured by the act of unwrapping the neatly sealed cd.

Upon opening the protective plastic case, the gleaming disk shone a brilliant purple… the same color as Shuichi's eyes. The boy sighed deeply with contentment. He leaned into Yuki, resting his head on the writer's chest once more.

"Do you like it?"

Shuichi smiled in the dark, then turned his face up so he could see the blonde's face above him.

"No, I love it."

"That's good to hear."

Yuki leaned to rest a chaste kiss on his lover's forehead, at which Shuichi's smile grew even wider.

After another pause, Yuki whispered down into the vocalist's ear.

"Well? Aren't you going to listen to it? I thought you wanted to hear how it ended."

There was a pause in which Shuichi considered the remark.

"I do... but…"

"But what?"

"But I'd rather hear you sing it. Can you sing it for me? Please?"

Yuki hesitated before nodding. He brushed his fingertips across Shuichi's face, than sang his song…

**_"I've found a reason for me_ **

_**To change who I used to be**_

_**A reason to start over new**_

_**And the reason is you."**_

Shuichi's heart swelled with adoration as he listened to the smooth baritone of his lover's voice. He leaned in closer to feel Yuki's breathe against his cheek as the blonde sang…

"_**I've found a reason to show**_

_**A side of me you didn't know**_

_**A reason for all that I do**_

_**And the reason is you."**_

"Oh Yuki…"

"Is that ending happy enough for you, Shuichi?"

**OWARI  
**(For real this time!)

I hope everyone liked this ending… I enjoyed writing it. Onegai let me know what you think of it and be sure to review! Arigato minna!

If anyone would like to talk to me on AIM, please feel free. Though I'm not on often, I love talking to you guys! If you want me to get on, just e-mail me and let me know. If I'm around, I'll log on. I just check my e-mail more than I actually log on AIM. Also have IM, but don't log on as often.

AIM: NekoRei23


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